When women reach this age, most of us have a few failed relationships. I sometimes feel like I'm the only failure. Stories like these remind me I'm not alone.
I think the decision to stay versus leave has a big impact on female friendships. Andrea chose to leave her bad marriage; her friend chose to stay. It's hard for both parties to watch the other choice play out. Andrea felt relief because she made the right choice. Her friend resented her as a means to shift blame from her decision to stay.
I don't think that corrects itself once the other person decides to leave. As an update to my own essay here, I found out my former friend divorced her husband in 2021 or 2022. I found out through the grapevine, not from her. I still don't think she'd be happy to hear from me. In fact, almost anything I could say would come across to her as rubbing it in. So I celebrate her birthday and send her good energy, and I sincerely hope she's happy.
So very sad yet beautiful how it is packed with so much emotion. I had two close friends in college but we drifted to jobs in different states. We had met at freshman orientation. One of the friends went back to college to get a PhD and the other one settled in California--I was in North Carolina. The PhD friend died in a freak horseback riding accident. I called the friend in California, crying my heart out because an ice storm was preventing me from getting to the memorial. When I finally stopped crying, the California friend, said she didn’t remember her. I thought of all the frat parties, bars and hanging out together at my apartment. She had moved away emotionally and I was done.
I am so sorry for your loss. What a terrible tragedy. That's remarkable that your friend didn't remember your friend. So it was her abrupt reaction to your telling her about the death of your other friend that made you want to end your friendship with her?
Yes--I couldn’t believe she didn’t remember. A couple of years after undergrad, California friend’s dad died in Mobile. We drove down to the funeral and spent the weekend with her. I thought we’d be friends forever.
For me, I find myself not remembering the names of casual friends and acquaintances from high school and college more and more as time goes on, but not to remember a real connection from college? That seems unbelievable.
Sitting and reading this was impactful and just what I wanted to settle into. Friendship and the end of them is interesting--I read once that we naturally grow apart from most of our friends, and the timeline is something like seven years. I've lost some amazing friends along the way, a couple through dramatic moments and some through time alone. Thanks for writing this Andrea Jarell and thanks, @Midstory Magazine, for putting it on Substack so I could find it.
This was a beautiful piece by Andrea. I'm not sure how I missed it in the anthology, but I'm so grateful I found it here.
When women reach this age, most of us have a few failed relationships. I sometimes feel like I'm the only failure. Stories like these remind me I'm not alone.
I think the decision to stay versus leave has a big impact on female friendships. Andrea chose to leave her bad marriage; her friend chose to stay. It's hard for both parties to watch the other choice play out. Andrea felt relief because she made the right choice. Her friend resented her as a means to shift blame from her decision to stay.
I don't think that corrects itself once the other person decides to leave. As an update to my own essay here, I found out my former friend divorced her husband in 2021 or 2022. I found out through the grapevine, not from her. I still don't think she'd be happy to hear from me. In fact, almost anything I could say would come across to her as rubbing it in. So I celebrate her birthday and send her good energy, and I sincerely hope she's happy.
Oh, wow. Thanks for the update, Andra. And, no, you are most definitely not the only one.
So very sad yet beautiful how it is packed with so much emotion. I had two close friends in college but we drifted to jobs in different states. We had met at freshman orientation. One of the friends went back to college to get a PhD and the other one settled in California--I was in North Carolina. The PhD friend died in a freak horseback riding accident. I called the friend in California, crying my heart out because an ice storm was preventing me from getting to the memorial. When I finally stopped crying, the California friend, said she didn’t remember her. I thought of all the frat parties, bars and hanging out together at my apartment. She had moved away emotionally and I was done.
I am so sorry for your loss. What a terrible tragedy. That's remarkable that your friend didn't remember your friend. So it was her abrupt reaction to your telling her about the death of your other friend that made you want to end your friendship with her?
Yes--I couldn’t believe she didn’t remember. A couple of years after undergrad, California friend’s dad died in Mobile. We drove down to the funeral and spent the weekend with her. I thought we’d be friends forever.
For me, I find myself not remembering the names of casual friends and acquaintances from high school and college more and more as time goes on, but not to remember a real connection from college? That seems unbelievable.
This is so beautifully written. <3
In some ways your friendship reminds me of Tully and Kate in Firefly Lane (books and TV series). I'm sorry it ended the way it did.
Sitting and reading this was impactful and just what I wanted to settle into. Friendship and the end of them is interesting--I read once that we naturally grow apart from most of our friends, and the timeline is something like seven years. I've lost some amazing friends along the way, a couple through dramatic moments and some through time alone. Thanks for writing this Andrea Jarell and thanks, @Midstory Magazine, for putting it on Substack so I could find it.