In mine the story from my ex was very much "I didn't see it coming," even though as the Taylor Swift song says, I gave SO MANY signs. I found the relief and grief mix confusing and awkward (so many people saying they were sorry when I wasn't: I was happy, but still grieved remembering the good years). It sucks that women bear the brunt of asking for divorce when a marriage is over, like men are too afraid to be the bad guy, and therefore women who "leave" aren't able to be as open in their grief. But there was a life you thought you'd have with him that didn't happen, and a hopeful younger version of you who was let down, and a divorce is a death. All of that is sad, even when the split is the best for both.
Yes. It’s like we are supposed to bear something unbearable and when we can’t anymore, we are blamed. A as bad oh how I resonate the hopeful younger self part. It’s that woman that visits me at night.
Thanks for sharing this. It's so gorgeously written. I love how you show that seemingly conflicting things can very much exist together; I likewise often grieve the marriage that I ultimately chose to leave, (although for different reasons). I miss what I had amidst relief that I no longer have it.
The grief for extended family that you lose so resonates; suddenly not belonging to something you were told you were part of. Some ex-inlaws still show love to me, with others I feel very pushed away and blamed. Fired.
I'm also not straight, and, if you've never come across the podcast Lesbian Chronicles, post-divorce grief has come up in a few episodes there. Like reading your beautiful piece here, it's validating to hear others talk about it. Because, like you've found, it doesn't often seem to be.
Yes! And while part of my growth as a person is always trying NOT to need other's validation about how I feel about things, it's so human to want connection with people who get it. To feel not to off in left field crying about not fitting into the game. The inlaw grief has almost been harder for me because it came with this whole country that I fell in love with. I picture myself one day as an old woman finding peace there. And thanks for the podcast tip.
Thank you for this. As a widow, I can tell you there is a lot of judgement about when and how you should and shouldn't move on. I have a friend who lost her son to suicide who has also been judged harshly and essentially dropped by the siblings who could not handle her grief.
That isn't to compare.
When I was active in widow's groups, there was a lot of comparison between divorce and dying. I would have none of it.
I don't know the pain of being cheated on. Lied to. Abused. My trust betrayed. I don't have to co-parent with someone I don't love or trust.
When I was widowed, people came out of the woodwork with help, flowers, casseroles and care.
Thank you so much for your gracious response in light of your loss. That story of the woman who lost her son to suicide - tha'ts a gut punch. I can't imagine being the friend or sibling who can't hold space for that. And yet, I know those people aren't terrible people - that at a heart level, I have grown impatient with feelings I couldn't control, fix or understand. I think we just aren't taught as a society, to sit with pain. Our own and others.
Really resonates and such a valuable -- and validating -- piece. Thank you, Anne. Ambiguous grief / unacknowledged grief after divorce is so real. True too for those of us who didn't want the divorce and attempted to prevent it - the reaction and isolation after feels much the same. The husband of a good friend of mine died suddenly a few months after my husband left our family, and walking parallel to her in our similar - but vastly different griefs - where we shared a friend group and a community ( I now no longer live in) was - and still is - incredibly painful. You're right - we need more voices and shared experiences here! thanks for writing.
Hi Anne, I appreciate reading your essay very much. You've been so courageous in reflecting on
such a personal and stigmatized subject. In doing so, you've lifted the burden of shame on your (and others') heavy heart. You have also inspired me to look at my grieving process straight in the eyes and rekindled my desire to go deeper. I was divorced from my Swedish husband of 15 years, after trying to be the "perfect" Swedish wife by adapting to his life in Sweden and learning everything about the culture, language, cuisine, and even the forbidding climate (which is why I resonate with your Norwegian acculturation experience.) But my ex-husband and I drifted apart, with alcohol ever widening the gap between us for almost a decade. I initiated the divorce and had to do it in a way that eventually saved myself from further narcissistic abuse. I have been mostly relieved since the divorce and justified my move with a sense of righteousness. Yet, all these years later, I'm starting to feel nostalgic about the good times we did spend together and how we were compatible in many ways, even though we lived in a romantic bubble, lol. Which brings me to your passage: "What I can do is give myself care and permission to be on my own path of grief even if no one else cares." I resonate very much with this sentiment. Because of my complex feelings, no one can truly understand my grief. And in my own way, I believe the nostalgia is part of the grieving process--of the youth that I have lost, and the innocent times that would never return. Thank you for creating this space for those of us who need to grieve the marriages we ended in our unique ways.
Thank you for this thoughtful response to Anne. I too resonated with that quote, "What I can do is give myself care and permission to be on my own path of grief even if no one else cares." I feel that this message applies to all of us who may be grieving something, whether it's a marriage, a person, or anything else.
Oh my goodness I so relate to the girl or young adult grieving what she innocently thought would always be hers. I think if he had been from like Ohio, it would be so hard. LOL And I so appreciate your comment about going deeper in the grief. It's inspiration to keep at it. Keep swimming Nemo...I suddenly go the image of Nemo swimming to free the whole new full of fish. We are digging deeper in the process to be freer and lighter.
Anne, I love that image of Nemo swimming and exploring in deeper and deeper water, while becoming freer and lighter! I'll let this colorful and animated image sit a while in my mind as I continue the grief work. Thank you!
This is so very much my story. Thank you for articulating it so beautifully.
Thank you for articulating how it landed for you so beautifully!
In mine the story from my ex was very much "I didn't see it coming," even though as the Taylor Swift song says, I gave SO MANY signs. I found the relief and grief mix confusing and awkward (so many people saying they were sorry when I wasn't: I was happy, but still grieved remembering the good years). It sucks that women bear the brunt of asking for divorce when a marriage is over, like men are too afraid to be the bad guy, and therefore women who "leave" aren't able to be as open in their grief. But there was a life you thought you'd have with him that didn't happen, and a hopeful younger version of you who was let down, and a divorce is a death. All of that is sad, even when the split is the best for both.
Yes. It’s like we are supposed to bear something unbearable and when we can’t anymore, we are blamed. A as bad oh how I resonate the hopeful younger self part. It’s that woman that visits me at night.
Thanks for sharing this. It's so gorgeously written. I love how you show that seemingly conflicting things can very much exist together; I likewise often grieve the marriage that I ultimately chose to leave, (although for different reasons). I miss what I had amidst relief that I no longer have it.
The grief for extended family that you lose so resonates; suddenly not belonging to something you were told you were part of. Some ex-inlaws still show love to me, with others I feel very pushed away and blamed. Fired.
I'm also not straight, and, if you've never come across the podcast Lesbian Chronicles, post-divorce grief has come up in a few episodes there. Like reading your beautiful piece here, it's validating to hear others talk about it. Because, like you've found, it doesn't often seem to be.
Yes! And while part of my growth as a person is always trying NOT to need other's validation about how I feel about things, it's so human to want connection with people who get it. To feel not to off in left field crying about not fitting into the game. The inlaw grief has almost been harder for me because it came with this whole country that I fell in love with. I picture myself one day as an old woman finding peace there. And thanks for the podcast tip.
Thank you for this. As a widow, I can tell you there is a lot of judgement about when and how you should and shouldn't move on. I have a friend who lost her son to suicide who has also been judged harshly and essentially dropped by the siblings who could not handle her grief.
That isn't to compare.
When I was active in widow's groups, there was a lot of comparison between divorce and dying. I would have none of it.
I don't know the pain of being cheated on. Lied to. Abused. My trust betrayed. I don't have to co-parent with someone I don't love or trust.
When I was widowed, people came out of the woodwork with help, flowers, casseroles and care.
Divorcees don't get that. They deserve to.
Thank you so much for your gracious response in light of your loss. That story of the woman who lost her son to suicide - tha'ts a gut punch. I can't imagine being the friend or sibling who can't hold space for that. And yet, I know those people aren't terrible people - that at a heart level, I have grown impatient with feelings I couldn't control, fix or understand. I think we just aren't taught as a society, to sit with pain. Our own and others.
Really resonates and such a valuable -- and validating -- piece. Thank you, Anne. Ambiguous grief / unacknowledged grief after divorce is so real. True too for those of us who didn't want the divorce and attempted to prevent it - the reaction and isolation after feels much the same. The husband of a good friend of mine died suddenly a few months after my husband left our family, and walking parallel to her in our similar - but vastly different griefs - where we shared a friend group and a community ( I now no longer live in) was - and still is - incredibly painful. You're right - we need more voices and shared experiences here! thanks for writing.
yes! amen! mahalo nui loa for putting the words to the experience.
Hi Anne, I appreciate reading your essay very much. You've been so courageous in reflecting on
such a personal and stigmatized subject. In doing so, you've lifted the burden of shame on your (and others') heavy heart. You have also inspired me to look at my grieving process straight in the eyes and rekindled my desire to go deeper. I was divorced from my Swedish husband of 15 years, after trying to be the "perfect" Swedish wife by adapting to his life in Sweden and learning everything about the culture, language, cuisine, and even the forbidding climate (which is why I resonate with your Norwegian acculturation experience.) But my ex-husband and I drifted apart, with alcohol ever widening the gap between us for almost a decade. I initiated the divorce and had to do it in a way that eventually saved myself from further narcissistic abuse. I have been mostly relieved since the divorce and justified my move with a sense of righteousness. Yet, all these years later, I'm starting to feel nostalgic about the good times we did spend together and how we were compatible in many ways, even though we lived in a romantic bubble, lol. Which brings me to your passage: "What I can do is give myself care and permission to be on my own path of grief even if no one else cares." I resonate very much with this sentiment. Because of my complex feelings, no one can truly understand my grief. And in my own way, I believe the nostalgia is part of the grieving process--of the youth that I have lost, and the innocent times that would never return. Thank you for creating this space for those of us who need to grieve the marriages we ended in our unique ways.
Thank you for this thoughtful response to Anne. I too resonated with that quote, "What I can do is give myself care and permission to be on my own path of grief even if no one else cares." I feel that this message applies to all of us who may be grieving something, whether it's a marriage, a person, or anything else.
Hi Jessica! Yes, I love this quote because it speaks to all of us despite our different experiences in grief.
Oh my goodness I so relate to the girl or young adult grieving what she innocently thought would always be hers. I think if he had been from like Ohio, it would be so hard. LOL And I so appreciate your comment about going deeper in the grief. It's inspiration to keep at it. Keep swimming Nemo...I suddenly go the image of Nemo swimming to free the whole new full of fish. We are digging deeper in the process to be freer and lighter.
Anne, I love that image of Nemo swimming and exploring in deeper and deeper water, while becoming freer and lighter! I'll let this colorful and animated image sit a while in my mind as I continue the grief work. Thank you!
Thank you so much for this piece.